Breathing

I am shedding some "lyte" on survival today. It is amazing how you can find your equilibrium in even the worst of times. Yes, we have no money. Yes, my husband is still unemployed. Yes, the creditors have descended in a calling frenzy. But, that's okay.

Sometimes when what you fear the most finally happens, a sense of relief kicks in. And that's where I am at right now. When the awful moment passes and you find that you're still breathing, that life does continue on and even happiness is possible, a weird sense of contentment develops.

I must admit, there are times when "fear takes the wheel and steers" in the immortal words of Incubus. But I just keep breathing. The fact that I am still employed helps tremendously. I can bury myself for nine hours. And then I sleep for another eight hours. So there are only 7 hours in a day when panic can creep in and that is happening less and less. I am also working out everyday and really helps keep the jim jams away. But really, we're okay.

This experience is an intense exercise in faith, but I will blog about that another day. For now, all I am going to do is breathe in and breathe out.

Widespread Panic

Today I am attempting to shine some "lyte" on panic. Frankly, I am having a hard time shining any "lyte" on anything as my husband was let go from his job last month. Rats the size of Texas are gnawing at my innards, my thoughts scatter like lawn debris before a leaf blower and my sense of humor? Distressfully absent and will probably be found buried with Jimmy Hoffa.

Scant comfort can be found in the thought that my family is soooo not alone in this crisis. We are joining millions of other Americans who woke up to find their American dream morphed into a nightmare that even Freddy won't visit. Our savings are practically gone, so we are forced to find a way to live on what I make. And trust me, I don't make much. Essentially we went from middle class to near poverty in the space of 24 hours.

I work on maintaining an attitude of gratitude. But reality has a way of kicking the shit out of gratitude on a daily basis. Let's take health insurance as an example. I am very grateful that I have it and qualify for it at my job. Our COBRA payment would be larger than my mortgage, but it would be manageable with the subsidy. Unfortunately, we don't qualify for the subsidy because I am eligible for the plan my job provides. The kick? My premium for the high deductible, pre-existing condition waiving, thin blanket coverage is over a third of my already measly net pay every two weeks. The pay that is supporting my family. My children don't qualify for the SCHIP program because of my coverage at work. And the health care reform hasn't effected private insurance in any way yet because the exchanges won't be created until 2014. The bright side? My allergic and asthmatic child cannot be denied coverage.

So my blog will taking on a much darker hue in the coming weeks. Al Gore was right, crisis does create opportunity. I have many opportunities to vent and search for the "lyte" in the various challenges my family is facing. And you're all coming along for the ride.