Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Right Here, Right Now


I want to shed some "lyte" on life stages.  I got a call from a friend of mine the other day.  She has had her first baby, and is adjusting to married life at the same time.  Her frustrations and struggles caused me to do some serious reminiscing about my early married life and the dark days when my kids were babies.

Our society over-romanticizes beginnings.  Look at all the time, money and effort that is put into a wedding, when you really need to focus on all the days, weeks, years, and decades that follow that one day.  Or look at the cornucopia of books dedicated to a baby's first year.  Yep, it's all about the start of things.  But middle is where all the interesting things happen.

Now, new moms, and newlyweds, don't jump down my throat.  I applaud you for your courage in starting out.  But beginnings are always full of energy and optimism.  When you are in the middle of something, that's when patience and courage really come in handy.  Slogging it out as a spouse or a parent, or both, is not for weinies.  Marriage is a difficult enterprise and it requires a certain amount of empathy and selflessness to make it work.  Parenting is harder and easier at the same time.  Let's face it, kids are cuter than adults.  So it makes dealing with their shortcomings a little simpler.  But kids cannot reason like adults, so it makes dealing with their shortcomings a little harder.

I look at my marriage, now in it's twenty-fifth year, and I am surprised.  Surprised that I truly love my husband more now than in our hot and heavy beginnings.  More importantly, I like my husband more now.  Everyone knows that the obsessive, thrilling beginning of love fades over time.  What is less documented is the gradual increase of your respect and genuine appreciation of your life's partner.  This respect is earned over time and is tested by adversity, something you cannot find in the nascent beginnings of marriage.

I look at my kids.  Both are teenagers and there is no shortage of angst and drama in my house, but again, I like them alot more now than when they were babies.  Babies are cute, but teenagers are interesting.  I enjoy the company of my kids so much more now than when they were little.  They are growing up to be smart, funny, engaging young adults and seeing the results of my parenting is much more satisfying than all the projecting and imagining you do when you are first introduced to your children.

So while I wholeheartedly empathize with my friend, I don't envy her.  So many plot lines of movies and books involve getting the chance to start over, but I like where I am; right here, right now.  

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